


RPG: Jobs

by Esinde Nayrall (red_squared)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-09-10
Updated: 2008-09-10
Packaged: 2017-10-09 19:03:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/90538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_squared/pseuds/Esinde%20Nayrall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being a Healer means paperwork. Cue epic yawns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	RPG: Jobs

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for an RPG in which I played Sirius Black, and originally posted [**here**](http://asylums.insanejournal.com/bearandbarnacle/5506.html).

"He-who-does-the-telling, Dear Dearborn. Resident minion, Sirius Black."

_Administering Healer: Trainee Sirius Black. Attending Healer: Healer Caradoc Dearborn._

"That time-wasting hypochondriac was back for the fourth time this month, turning up in the middle of the night and demanding to be seen to."

_Madam Willikins was last discharged at 7:03 in the morning of the 8th of September 1980._

_She was re-admitted to Saint Mungos at 3:45 in the morning of the 10th of September, 1980._

_As she showed no outwardly visible signs of ill health, she was admitted so that further tests could be conducted. She was subsequently discharged at 8:24 in the morning of the 10th of September, 1980._

"There was nothing wrong with the stupid cow, but I had to stay with her for four hours until the fucking apothecaries finished their fucking tests."

_Trainee Healer Black attended to the patient, and initially prescribed tests for WB*, IOIO* and TWH*. In light of the patient's history, and record of regular treatment at Saint Mungos, the tests were scheduled as low priority with the apothecaries. NB: For follow up by Chief Healer with Chief Apothecary -- cases of suspected TWH* to be processed as quickly as possible to free up beds for ~~genuine~~ other patients._

"She wanted me to test her for brittle bones, but I told her that would be an even bigger waste of time because she's not even forty yet. Dearborn agreed with me, but she didn't listen when _I_ said it."

_The patient self-diagnosed BB,* but was dissuaded from seeking treatment by both the Trainee and the Attending Healer._

"And then Dearborn left and she started up at me again, so I told her to shut up, because I was a Trainee Healer, only I'm not a Trainee _Healer_ as yet, only a Trainee, but that she could shut up anyway, because with Dearborn out of the room, I was the ranking physician. Between her and I, anyway. And she told me that I was only a Trainee, not a Trainee Healer - that fuckng woman spends so much time here, she probably knows all of the protocols better than even that retentive bureaucrat in finance. And then she said it was a shame I wasn't a mediwizard because at least that way I could make myself useful by keeping her warm at night, and I almost punched her in the neck, except that that was when Dearborn came back in, and she asked me to bring her an extra blanket because she got cold at night and Dearborn sent me off as though I was his fucking _errand boy_..."

_..._

"Only, when I got back, he'd decided she was feverish and delirious and that she needed her temperature taken, so he managed to shut her up with a thermometer and told me that if she moved it in her mouth, we'd have to start the timer all over again, and if she did it too many times, I was allowed to stupefy her. Which I did thirty seconds after he left again, because she tried to give me cheek. _Again_."

_Healer Dearborn prescribed further tests for FF*, IF*, PSU*, and PSUNOW* (in spite of there being no outwardly visible signs of illness), before entrusting the patient to the care of Trainee Black. The patient had to be restrained for these tests to be correctly administered, in order to suppress violent tremors._

"All of the tests came back negative -- of _course_ \-- and by 8 o'clock in the morning, I could finally shove her out the door, after telling her that there was nothing wrong with her..."

_The apothecaries returned all of the tests after finding no evidence of any malady -- magical or otherwise. The patient was informed that all of the tests that had been conducted had found nothing wrong..._

"...but I expect she'll be back in another three days."

_...but was asked to return to the hospital if her symptoms persisted._

"Padfoot!" James calls through the Floo. "You ready to go yet?"

"Nearly," he calls back. "I just need to sign off..."

_Signed: Sirius Black  
NB: Awaiting authorising signature from Healer Caradoc Dearborn._

"...and grab my jacket," he finishes, reaching for it and shrugging it on.

He resets the ward on the Saint Mungo's records, so that nobody else will be able to read the patient histories he's brought home with him.

Technically, he's not supposed to remove them from the hospital - actually, he's supposed to fill it all out at work itself. But he's found that at home, he can borrow Remus' Quick Quotes Quill and finish up in a quarter of the time it would normally take.

"On my way now," he says, so that James will know to take his head out of the Floo before Sirius comes through.

*Acronyms not defined in the paperwork, but known to all Saint Mungos' employees as:  
WB: Wandering bones  
IOIO: Inside-out internal organs  
TWH: Time wasting hypochondriac  
BB: Brittle bones  
FF: Fretful fever  
IF: Immobilising fever  
PSU: Please shut up  
PSUNOW: Please shut up NOW

**Author's Note:**

> All comments and kudos are appreciated and treasured -- even (especially?) on a fic as old as this one!


End file.
